I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
