I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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