i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
