we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
