Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
