I will die if light touches me.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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