LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
