There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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