He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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