Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
soo... how was my night?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
