I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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