I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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