Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
