Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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