Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i think my cat just said my name.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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