someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
