Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
