thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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