I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
