Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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