We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
