I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
