I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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