I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
