Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
