i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then