Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs