ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.