Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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