We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just blew my weed a kiss
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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