Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
