i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
should my penis look like a turkey
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
