Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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