I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
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Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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