Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
