dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
