my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.