i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
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You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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