The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml