i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.