I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Randomize
