Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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