That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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