in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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