Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
