dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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