I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize