Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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