Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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