seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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