i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
