I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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