so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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