he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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