my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
