i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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