i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
"it" just moved
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
