Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
