Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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